


Are You with Me?

by CatarinaJ



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Declarations Of Love, F/M, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatarinaJ/pseuds/CatarinaJ
Summary: A personal log entry leads to tying up some unfinished business . There's a happy ending.





	Are You with Me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Catshadowi8](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Catshadowi8).



> A light read packed with feeling.

We are here the rest of our lives. I am grieving what is gone and yet eager to discover who I am on this planet.  
I sigh wondering what to do now. I need a shower. Yes.  
After a quick and dull pass of the sonic shower, I sit at my bedside and brush my hair. I lost track of how many times. I was too busy inside my head wrestling with what I am about to do.

These wrinkles are so hairline and insignificant, but to my vanity scream 'old'. And while I'd like to think I accepted my mild vitiligo, the uniform and the big hair takes attention away from my perceived flaws.

Then I remember the way he looks at me - I never felt sexier.

I never let him know this.

It is just one of the secrets I keep.

I remember that day on the bridge when he first came aboard. The passion in his eyes; the suspicious nature; the contempt for my uniform.

Why am I putting this on? Why am I playing with fire? How lonely am I?

I was sliding into my satin nightgown for the first time here. I am a creature of habit but being around my male colleague, I settled for a more conservative option . But that damn thing is itchy anyway.

I find my crochet ivory blanket with large eyelets and fringe on the tips. Its design reminds me of my grandparents hammock in Indiana. I made it years ago in my academy days. It brings me the feel of home and those fractal calculus exams where I would wrap myself up and sit in a big chair pouring in the book for understanding.

I lift it to my nose with the hopes I can sense traces of Earth. I sigh in disappointment. Unfortunately too much time has passed and now it smells like a drawer.  
I decide to put a touch of perfume on. Wait-will he think I am trying to seduce him? Shaking my head at the nonsense . I simply just don't want to smell like a stale cabinet.

Who am I kidding?  
We are forming a growing attraction. Otherwise, I wouldn't be going out there again tonight.

I stand and exhale. I throw my blanket across my bare arms, draw my long hair out from the blanket's grasp and I head out.

I can hear the insects singing their mating songs. I feel the breeze on my face. The air is fresh but not as crisp as a mountain's breath nor balmy as The Keys. I am picking up traces of burning timber; I can hear the crackle and pops from the blaze.

My heart *had* beaten normally. I may be forty, but my insides are twisting and my palms are sweating like a teenage girl on a rendezvous with her crush. However, I will not be deterred.

As I crest the thicket to the clearing I noticed Chakotay had fallen asleep on his side, using his arm as a pillow. He was curled slightly, presumably for comfort. I crack a half-smile and just observe how peacefully he slumbers.

Nurturing instincts compel me to remove my shawl to cover him. I kneel and smooth it over him. The fire seems secure and so I conclude it will burn itself out. I return my gaze toward him and with fondess, I stroke his stubble cheek with a trace of my hand.

Before I can rise to return home, Chakotay's hand grabs my wrist. His gentle eyes open slowly with immediate focus on me. I guess he was dozing rather than out for the night.

'Kathryn' he says.

Damn, my skin goose-fleshes. My heart soars for the first time when he whispers my name. It is still so new to me.

'Captain' I pretend to hear.

I am not sure what to do. My fear wants to retreat; However, my raw nature wants to be kissed passionately . Not unlike those crickets in the background, I find myself wanting to attract my own mate.

Chakotay sat up and palms my hand in the two of his. I know what he wants to say(or perhaps not). I can only imagine the expression on my face as I am confronted. Oh god, my throat constricts and for a rare time I cannot speak. Heat flashes my skin.

A disembodied voice breaks scene.

"Computer save file and encrypt under Kathryn pi delta."  
There was a confirmation chirp to her personal log.

Captain Janeway was sitting at her desk in her quarters with the light at half illumination. She had just finished retelling the details of an evening when they believed they were there for the long haul.

Her hair is now reddish blonde and bobbed with her wavy hair tucked behind her ears. It has been two years since their time on New Earth and coming up to five years in the Delta Quadrant.

After musing and coming to her senses she taps her combadge.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay "

"Go ahead, Captain."

There was a momentary pause and then so sure in her tone she orders, "Meet me on deck 6 section 9 at 2200hrs."

************************************  
The commander’s chronometer read 21:50. Chakotay was intrigued and stepped out of his office to meet with Kathryn Janeway.

He wasn't sure what to expect but he was off-duty now and so he left his jacket and badge at his chair and made his way, ‘improperly dressed’ in turtleneck and trousers to Holodeck 2.

She isn’t here.

He asked the computer who is running a program.  
The robotic female voice responded, “Captain Janeway.”

“Is Janeway inside?”

“Affirmative.”

He taps the keypad and verifies if the doors have been sealed; they have not. He crosses the threshold and the large doors close behind him.

Once inside, his senses were flooded with his new surroundings. Gone was the hum of their ship and its sterility. In its place was a lush forest simulation. It was night and the moon was barely there to light his way. He felt a beaten path beneath him and trusted it was the way to his local.  
His ears picked up the sounds of crickets and the frogs were croaking off the distance. In Janeway proclivity, she modified the ambient noises slightly.

His eyes barely made out the foliage as it dragged across his clothing. Some of the strokes reminded him of Kathryn's slender fingers dragging across his uniformed chest in unspoken affection.  
Ahead he sees an orange glow. Ah- likely their meeting place.

His heart grew eager to lay sight on her. He was curious what this was all about.

After Chakotay reached the clearing, his memory ignited. This was where he often went to meditate on New Earth. That was his fire. And that was his medicine bundle.  
There was an etching of the chamoosee symbol in the soil. He hadn't remembered doing that.

He crouched to study it. Then he heard her distinguishable voice. This time it was soft and lacked a certain gravitas.  
“I drew it while I meditated on what to do.”

He stood up and observed her appearance: Her hair was long again and her dress with the matching leggings clung to her curves; The scoopline was alluring. He remembered now.

“Two years ago,” she began while slowly entering the ambient lighting, wine glasses in hand, “I sought you with conviction but it must have been dubious, because I chose to excuse myself and never speak of it.”

She didn't leave eye contact for a moment. In the low light her blue eyes mistakenly appeared steely. However, one could understand the mistake for she she was facing him with some trepidation.

His posture was relaxed in his polished uniform. The slacks made his legs slim and the turtle neck unforgiving as it clung to his frame.

He started to stare down her long, wavy locks dancing along her bare back as she circled him, not to gawk, but gather what she was doing.

Her voice trembled breaking her facade. It was not unlike her tone when she spoke of Mark's defection. “And you so graciously took my cue and honored my wishes. You didn't chase me down nor beg me to love you.”

Chakotay took this moment to spare her and reached for the glasses and poured the wine.

He gestured a seat on his sleeping bag beside the large felled tree. She approached and while she had a seat beside him she chewed her lip prior to her confession.

“I was composing a personal log about this night. I am not entirely sure why I would create evidence. You know how private I am. I was going over perspectives and what was going on in my mind.” she drew her legs into a crossed fashion and laced her fingers in her lap.

“ Sometimes we need to talk things out in order to move on.”  
She gave a look of ”Yes, exactly.”

“It's sort of a blur but what I haven't forgotten is your beauty.” he spoke in boldness while pouring their drinks.

“Okay, you got me.” Chakotay broke eye contact to reminisce the night of almost passion:

“I was drifting off. In my dream state I am making you something. My servitude was how I showed affection.”  
He licked his dry lips and ran a hand across his mouth to disperse his nervous energy.  
“My concentration broke when I felt the soft flick of a blanket over me. I remember a trace of soft perfume. I imagined it was you embracing me. I must have reached the point of wanting your touch because I could have sworn I felt your hand. I was most certainly grateful to have you for company.  
He continued,  
“If I had to be diverted from my mission I was glad it was with you.”  
Kathryn was sitting steadily then tilted her head to track his expression as his voice then dropped to hesitation, “ I kept busy to deny my need for contact. And to focus on being more supportive.” Her almost lover returned his gaze to her to gauge her response.

Kathryn's eyebrows flickered in the way they did when she processed profound feeling of being cared for.

“When my eyes open, I see no longer a dream. Instead you are above me. Your hair framing your stunning cheekbones and covering your shoulders. The shadow of your neckline disguises--well anyway...”

Janeway tried to suppress a chuckle and consciously fiddled with the neckline he spoke of .  
Chakotay paused to remove his boots and socks. He flexed his toes in the dirt. The simulation however real it might appear just wasn't the same. She wasn't able to recreate the aroma of the flora of their planet either.

“ You deleted him didn't you?” he jested to change the subject.  
“Who?”  
“Oh no, I hadn't programed the monkey.”  
“Good.” he said a feigning unyielding tone.

His voice switched to a gentle sincerity, “I am sorry.” He set down his glass and hung an arm over a knee pulled close to him.  
“I feel like there was something profound you wanted to share and here I am controlling the evening with my banter.”

“ I was counting on that.” She uttered.  
He looked into her eyes to appreciate the informal glances she shared.

“Is there... anything else?” She gestured.

“Yes, it's coming back to me. I was witnessing the birth of a new woman. As scientist always but took a chance and began gardening, for example…” he eyed her.

“Yeah,” she said quietly.

“I remember your pain in letting go of your promise not by choice. It's a sight never easy to see as your right-hand and closest friend.”

 _Friend..._ Even though she knew that to be true, she asserted it. Nevertheless, it still stung like hell.

There was a silent moment. He wasn't going to burden her by any sort of physical confirmation of his affection unless she prompted him to.  
Was she? Why all this? And her face when he called her friend.  
To which Chakotay decidedly caressed her convincing hair extensions. But it made her seem an outdated hologram.  
He cautiously leaned in and reached where they attached. She knew what he was doing and without any protest on her end, allowed her friend to help release the past and fan out her soft, short tresses, which admittedly he wasn't fond of at first. But the look suited her.  
He could then feel her energy from root to tip. “Now this is real.”  
Touching her hair lovingly, invited his senses long departed for his own well-being when not hers.

He took his thumb and stroked her bottom lip. He then ran his hand through her hair and snuck in a caress of her ear lobe as it made its way down.

Her eyes couldn't decide to leave him or close.  
It felt so good.

Her first officer gingerly leaned in supporting his weight with one hand while the other left his knee to cradle the back of her head.  
He leaned in with purpose and planted his full lips to her brow.  
Now was her chance to inhale his scent inconspicuously while drawing attention to the sensation of every touch of his finger tips clutching her hair and the comforting warmth of his proximity, discreetly beyond the prying eyes of her crew.

Breathing her in as subtly as she did him, he withdrew long enough to reposition. Without further delay, he touched his lips to hers; Just delicately at first to test their parameters.

For a moment, temptation tried to take advantage of their already relaxed mouths ever-so slightly parted to explore. For but the briefest and gentle second they had.

The two opted to pull away and secure each other in an intimate embrace. Chakotay held her, stroking her bare arm. She missed the feeling of his calloused hands tenderly comforting her. She reaching forward to trace kisses on his arm before surrender to the cocoon of his arms.

“I cannot always agree with you” he broke, “But our opposition has never divided us. I am with you. Always.”

“Shhh...”  
Kathryn made a bold choice to tork her torso to extend a kiss to his neck through the gray, Dickie fabric. Her lips grazed his rank. It broke her concentration and she focused on it. She was in a nightgown and he in the reminder of what kept them apart.

Unaware of her dooming thoughts, He thought, _well if we're going to go there,_ he reached for her thin strap and moved it to kiss the skin underneath. She plucked his rank bar off and tucked it swiftly in her bra. He felt a tug but was too preoccupied feeling her pulse point on her neck to which he then grabbed her chin to make strong eye contact. As a gentleman he was trying to avoid being salacious with his moves on the captain.

“Are you still with me?”

She was breathless. “I... uh, feel better, I suppose. But connection with you was always assured. I am having difficulty accepting I can never be close to my crew. It's already against protocol to be “chummy” with you. Perhaps I should have worn my uniform.”  
She waited for a protesting, “Kathryn” sigh or a joke about proverbial chastity belts. He responded in his true style, as a voice of compassion and understanding.

“You just wanted closure. I may not have picked up on that immediately, but I am here now.”

She raised her brow and with a casual adoration she uttered,“ You know me well.”

There was a content sigh between the two. They both there and arm around each other and remained close until they decided Alpha shift wasn't far away.  
The captain withdrew herself and looked at him in an unspoken goodnight glance and stepped to an exit arch to tap in instructions for a site to site to her quarters.

What a night. She strolled lazily to her bedroom and sat on top of the covers. She ran her hands across her flushed cheeks and over her arms remembering his touch as long as she could. Just in case.

 

********  
Chakotay remained in the holoprogram.  
Wait...this isn't a replica. It was his medicine bundle. That sneaky woman.

He set it up and began to pray, “Achoochimoya,”

“We are far from the bones-” his eyes snapped open to see Kathryn Janeway had returned and was repeating his opening prayer in unison,  
“of our people.” She finished.

“I didn't mean to disturb you.”

Without a hint of resentment he replied, “You always had to have the last word.”

He stood up out of respect. A sure-footed Kathryn closed the gap between them and caressed the markings on his forehead which sent a tingle of eroticism down his spine.

She went in for a delicate kiss. Gradually without rush, it became a passionate one of her desires. The electricity between them, in his mind, compared to the sight of watching two delicate veins of lightning dancing in the cusp of an Arizona monsoon.

They felt the bonds of friendship transmute into a level of love they didn't know existed. It seemed so simple yet complex as an everyday algorithm on Voyager : Honor and reverence harmonizing amidst the profound chaos of romance. And her devote mission; a promise spoke long before this transcendental experience would be conceptualized.

Janeway remembered something. She reached into her bra cup and pulled out what belonged to him- his acting commander pin. She toyed with it in her hand while in deep thought.  
“So that's what that was.” Referencing the tug he felt earlier. “Souvenir?” he mused on, “ My acute Maquis senses must be getting dull around you. Don't tell the Cardassians.”  
“No, I was having difficulty.”  
“ I see. And?”  
She looked him straight in the eye and with a whispered passion,  
“I am not afraid anymore.”  
She grasped it in hand and took his hands and placed the object between their hands. His warm calm energy converged with her tenacious energy and the complimentary mix made her confident in her choice.

She grasped tightly, pierced the darkness of his irises with her soft blue ones and boldly inquired, “Chakotay?” She breathed, “Would you not only be my officer and truest friend, but the one man I will love so profoundly that this mission will have two very wonderful journeys to explore and with hope, the synergy between them will be withstanding and never destabilize.”

“Are you _proposing_ metaphorically?”  
She spoke quietly because he was right to ask for clarification. It sounded like one.  
“Not exactly. Let me try this another way:”

She looked down to their hands and took away the one with the pin. With a certain nobility she held it to his collar, and rather declared, “This pin no longer represents just your rank. Wear it honorably as you always have, but with the addendum that your captain has professed herself and where you stand with her.”  
“I will.”  
With a subtle click of the fastener, he couldn't help but touch it afterwards.

Now, I know this is a bad point to end the evening, but we're due on the bridge in 3 hours. I'd like a nap.”  
“That makes two of us.”  
“We're getting old. Naps before a consummation.” she guffaws.

He made that look a man makes when he wonders if he heard what he thought he did.

The two walk arm and arm out of the holodeck only to disband at their respective doors.

**Epilogue:**

Through sleepy eyes, Janeway stumbled along her quarters. A pot of hot coffee and her PaDD sat on her desk and light jazz was playing. She hoped between the coffee and the music she'd survive the getting up process. She was in her ensuite putting the finishing touches to her hair.  
She straightened her uniform, took one look at her reflection and stretched her collar out to make it more comfortable.  
“Ugh, where are my damn pips?” She grumbled.  
She looked to her cedar box-no. She checked at her feet; She tried her bed where she had sat putting on her slacks. Nothing.

She was frustrated and feeling slightly naked, figuratively speaking, she decided it was time to clear the fuzz and the juvenile lust out of her head with a drink of coffee. It was far from juvenile but she was hard on herself as usual.  
She gasped from startle and covered her heart after she crossed the arch from bed to living area.

It was Commander Chakotay in full uniform this morning standing near the entryway of her quarters. His hair freshly combed back and skin misted with a pleasant musk. Telling however, were his eyes, sunken from fatigue.

“I suppose I should be clear our little get together doesn't mean you abuse your security clearance.” She eyed him while speaking with that gravatas she was known for.

“Yes, you're right. But I seem to recall a certain Captain doing the same, when she relocated my medicine bundle.” he playfully reminded her.

She noted his appearance, “Did you sleep at all?”  
“Why bother?”  
He walked over to her and couldn't help but put his nose to the crown of her head. He then pulled back and opened his warm-toned hand.

“My pips! You, devil.” But he wouldn't let her have them.  
Silencing the music gave a more serious tone to the room.

“Kathryn Janeway,” he cut to the chase while returning them to their rightful position, “ These not only display your captaincy, but symbolically each pip you wear, is a kiss of my affection and loyalty as your esteemed colleague who is unabashedly in love with you.”

She opened her mouth to protest.  
“I am not done yet.”  
She impatiently obliged in silence.  
He firmly planted his broad hands on her red clad shoulders, “ Who we know is a capable, enduring, clever, nurturing, and decisive leader. Nothing except for a confession has changed. And as you wear these tokens of my esteem you will continue to be Captain Janeway and I your first officer.”

While placing her fingers to her pips she casually looked him up and down while taking in what just happened.  
With both of his strong hands, he slid them passed her cropped hair and cradled her slender neck and slowly drew her in for a slow and passionate kiss.

“Are you with me?” he asked.

“Always.”

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Janeway was typically the one who often asked if he was with her. I chose to make chakotay the initiator and Janeway joins in on that little ritual via the TV show in a come about sort of way.
> 
> If you enjoyed it and feel up to commenting your feeling, be sure to. I am new here and would like to reply a hello.


End file.
